Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
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The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence