me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
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A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Education is vital
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.