Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
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Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”