Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
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I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I need a headline like this
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.