I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
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My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Bloody internet 😳
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.