BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
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ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.