Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
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wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Life cycle of cat
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*