I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
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*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
i will avenge u mr van gogh