*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
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“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
this is 10/10 content no notes
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime