Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
You Might Also Like
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
me refusing to leave twitter
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.