Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
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I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
is this how new cars are made??
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor