Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
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[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
what is cheese if not milk persevering
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before