I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
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[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.