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time for some seasonal decor
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.