I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
You Might Also Like
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I think the cat got the dog high.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I mean…but I did
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.