Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
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[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
we’re gonna need another temp
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
If you want my opinion ask my wife
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.