oh sorry i cant im busy that day
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Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
それは草
dream blunt rotation
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!