“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
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who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.