Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
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Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?