I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
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[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”