People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
No regrets in 2018
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
This headline is a thing of beauty
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.