There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
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An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Print is alive and well!!!