Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
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Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Huge, if true.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.