Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
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i forgot my date鈥檚 name so i took her to Starbucks
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I鈥檓 not a 6. I鈥檓 two 3s in a trench coat.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn鈥檛 a Pok茅mon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they鈥檙e growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 馃檪
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?