Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
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If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.