My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
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[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.