I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
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I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
oh my gosh!!
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.