someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
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Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.