I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
You Might Also Like
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Oh my God.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now