I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
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Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I have never related to a cat more
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?