It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
You Might Also Like
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
They’re on their honeymoon
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.