me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
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Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?