I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.