Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Is….Is this an option?
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Matt Goss
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django