At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”