AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
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I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
WHY?!
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u