Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
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if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
cat vs inanimate object