CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
These work great until they don’t.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”