I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
You Might Also Like
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope