Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
You Might Also Like
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Möther may I have a snäck
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!