There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
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(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.