[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
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I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Breaking news:
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.