If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
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I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.