I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
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PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”