Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
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Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you