“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
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me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.