Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
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I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
True.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat