I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese