How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
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Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.