Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
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He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I needed a laugh this morning.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.